Here is the last section of my draft writing that I came across recently on self-development and life coaching. For the remainder of sections, I have headings only so maybe I will do some more work on it.
Stressless < — > Calmness
I have had times in my life when I have suffered from stress, even having to take time off work. Those times were when there were numerous things going on in my life which added together resulted in my not being able to cope. I have since learnt to recognise my own signs for when I am getting stressed and take action to deal with this before it is too late. Too much stress can lead to anxiety and depression. By recognising the signs and taking action, a calmer and happier life can be yours.
Life coaching and increased self-awareness through reading self-development books has helped me deal with stress, anxiety and depression. The key to this is one word – CONTROL. Being in control or feeling in control. Once you feel out of control of situations, that is the danger zone. Another word that is important here is CHOICE. We all have choices, even if we don’t think we have. We can choose to do things differently any second, any minute, any hour of the day. We can choose to make small, almost insignificant, changes at any time.
We can choose to make life-changing decisions now, next week, next month or next year. It is our choice. Of course there are repercussions, so you have to weigh up whether you actually want to make that decision. But by taking control of situations, and making choices, you retain control and are able to feel calmer and less stressed, knowing that you have made a decision and that you are in control of your own life. Once you allow others or situations to take control, you can feel out of control and overwhelmed.
A valuable tool that I have gained through my life coach training is the Life Wheel, which can be adapted to use in any situation, and is a paper exercise that you can do for yourself taking in the whole picture of what is important or impacts on you and your life, then creates focus, exploration and action through small, achievable goals that are within your own gift of achieving – leading to a sense of regaining control over your life and the particular aspect you are focussing on. (if you are interested in this, a future post can address how to do the Life Wheel exercise and the different ways in which it can be applied)
Another BIG word that impacts immensely on stress – in competition with control, and perhaps in many cases, overtakes it – is TIME. ‘I don’t have enough time …’ ‘I am running out of time …’ ‘I have to get this done by …’ ‘Look at the time …’ ‘There is never enough time in the day …’ ‘I am always under pressure …’ ‘I never have time to relax and enjoy myself.’ ‘I never have enough time to do what I need to do.’
The first thing I did a long long time ago, that changed my relationship with time, was to stop wearing a watch. I noticed that one of my colleagues who was more laid back about things didn’t wear one and wondered how she managed. I decided to try for myself and have never looked back. … time is still there – not forgotten – but not drawing my attention every minute of every day.
How else did I change my relationship with time? By taking a more relaxed approach to my working day. I start at varying times. Sometimes early, sometimes late. I appreciate that not everyone can do this, but many employers have become a lot more flexible, particularly with a need to cater for those with family commitments, and flexibility helps take the pressure off.
If time is really a big issue for you, and you never have enough time to do what you want, then maybe it would help to do a time analysis over a period of a week. Nothing too complicated, but something that would get you thinking about how you really spend your time. Take a few moments to write down what you spend your time on, both at home and at work. Is everything you do necessary? Do you do things because you want to do them, need to do them or feel you should do them? If the latter, what would happen if you didn’t do it? Would you feel guilty? Is it your responsibility? Does it really have to be done?
Remember it’s your life and you have choices over what you spend your lifetime doing. Think about it. Is there anything that you could either stop doing completely, spend less time on or get someone to help you with so that you could achieve it quicker, or even get someone to take over the job? When I was struggling working mum with a young child, we had a cleaner. Just 3 hours a week made so much difference. Having to downsize meant that I lost this wonderful luxury but if you can afford such help I thoroughly recommend it. (for some reason whilst typing this it has reminded me of a poem by Mary Oliver which I am now going to look up)
Gettting back to time, often I used to put pressure on myself for no reason. I was especially guilty in thinking I had to make the most of every waking moment, and that to stay in bed too long or sit around doing nothing was a waste of time. I can still sometimes go that way, but because I am aware of this, I remind myself and allow myself to enjoy having time just to chill out and relax, potter around and moodle. I thought this was a wonderful word when I came across it – moodling. Just doing things slowly, enjoying the process, thinking about anything but in a relaxed way. The practice of mindfulness (to be covered in a future post) is very beneficial if you are under pressure and find it difficult to switch off and do nothing. In my opinion, mindfulness is a form of meditation, as is going for a long walk on my own with no aim in mind and no distractions and letting thoughts drift in and out of my mind.
My relationship with time is so different now. In the initial stages of becoming more relaxed about time, even my choice of diary made a difference. If I could see the whole week at a glance, which I do find useful, I also used to see that there was not much time left before the week had even begun as there seemed to be so much already organised. I changed to one page a day, and time seemed immediately to extend itself. Now I am back to a week at a glance as I am able to be more relaxed and my diary no longer panics me.
There are a range of time management books out there but I think that the key to dealing with time issues is not how to manage time but how to change your relationship with time. It is the rest of life and creating balance that is the issue, not the amount of time itself. It is how you feel about time, as opposed to what it actually is. You can have the same amount of time to do the same thing, but one day you might feel that you don’t have enough time, you may feel rushed, stressed, tired. Another day you may feel relaxed and confident with no issues about getting the task completed in the time available. It is very much more about your perception of time than the amount of time actually available.
Sometimes I lump an amount of time all together, and become fearful when getting near the end of it. For example, over the weekend I think of it as a whole, and when it gets to Sunday late afternoon/early evening that that is the end of it. Yet in the week when returning home from work at teatime/early evening, I still think I have a whole evening ahead of me. Why cannot I think the same of Sunday evenings? I seem to have so much on my mind about the next day that it leads to time being wiped away.
Sometimes I stop and think. We are all living our own separate lives. We all start and end at different points. Yet we treat time as if we are all experiencing the same amount of time with the use of the 24 hour clock, 7-day week and 12 months in a year. We are all experiencing different moments of time in each of our individual lives. Why should we allow ourselves to be taken over by a universal approach to time? If we listen to the radio, we can’t get away from the fact that every hour we know when it is up when the news/weather/traffic info comes on. We get reminded to the minute of the exact time.’
Doing away with a universal approach would undoubtedly lead to chaos in the extreme but there needs to be a balance between living our own (time-limited) lives in the best way possible and fitting in with the demands cast upon us by a world dominated by time.
Note
I have checked out the poem by American poet Mary Oliver. It is ‘The Summer Day’ also referred to as ‘The Grasshopper’. The last lines are:
‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’
You might like to listen to Mary Oliver reading it.
Copyright 2015, Cajsa Lilliehook, Flickr, CC-BY-SA, via Wylio
Following on from my last post on Selfness, here is another piece of draft writing from the same book (self-development/coaching).
‘Clutterless < — > Tidyness
I have had a long struggle with ‘clutter’ – I hold on to things for too long that I may never need. I now recognise that there is little value in this, apart from saving a few pennies or pounds in the distant future at the expense of living a cluttered existence. If there is too much clutter, housework takes too long and becomes an unwelcome chore.
There has been much written on being clutterfree but some of this can be over-the-top, and lead to having a de-personalised space which is great for a showhouse but is it really a home?
At one time, I felt rebellious about clutterbusting. Having had to downsize, I had no option than to sell or dispose of many items, some of which I still have regrets about. Thankfully I did not rid myself completely of some of the smaller boxes containing various bits and pieces. I later went through these and as I picked up a piece, I would recall a special person or time in my life. Having a poor memory for some things, these triggers are invaluable and I am so thankful that I still have them in my life.
The key is to achieve a balance between possessions and space, with each possession having a place. This leads to being clutterless (as opposed to clutterfree), keeps the space tidy and results in a personalised environment that is special to you.
Periodically I enjoy spending time sifting through a selection of my possessions to check that I still want to keep them, or to organise them in a better way. This works for me. I have found that by decorating a room in a way that brings me pleasure, then choosing storage solutions that complement that environment, I am able to keep the things that I love in a way that adds to my contentment in my home.
My problem is that I still buy things and bring them into the home. I get pleasure from browsing in charity shops and strolling round boot fairs, disastrous for adding to clutter! But I enjoy it, and therefore my sifting has become a regular occurrence to keep balance within the home. The benefits are that this process can be done mindfully. (A topic for another post.)
Here are a few tips for becoming clutterless:
Spend random times – perhaps in the evenings or at week-ends – going through a shelf, drawer or cupboard. What works for me, if I am not motivated but want to sort something out, is to set a timer for 20 minutes and make an agreement with myself that after 20 minutes I can be done. Oftentimes I am by then enjoying myself and get lost in the task, carrying on longer and achieving more, with a sense of satisfaction from the end result.
Draw up your own criteria for keeping things. My own is that an item either gives pleasure, is useful now or within the next year, has memories or some other reason that I can justify to myself for keeping it. Books are my downfall – yet they are such treasures. Also clothes. I do hold on to a lot of clothes, even though I apply the sifting process, but if they are well-organised then I don’t see it as a problem.
Decide what storage you want and get it. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. There are lots of cheap shelving options out there, or colourful boxes and filing systems. The choice is yours. I have a bed with wonderful drawers which take a surprising amount.
Question what you are keeping ‘because it may be of use some day’. My experience is that it is the things with memories, special things that people have given me, that I have missed. Those without memories are soon forgotten, and if you don’t need them then the likelihood is that you will not miss them. Amongst my regrets are my food mixer and food processor that I had for many years. I was in for a shock when I saw the replacement cost. So, think twice before sifting too far!
Think about what you really enjoy in your life. Consider your values and keep the things that enhance your life. Let go of those you will never use and just leave you with feelings of guilt that you should have done something with them.
Accept your level of clutterlessness and enjoy.’
This piece was written a few years back. If you have read my recent post on Clutter-busting, it will be clear that I have not completely solved the clutter problem. It remains something which varies according to my health, energy and motivation.
At the risk of sounding a bit weird, a conversation and youtube watching session with my daughter on shopping hauls gave me the idea of playing around with my new computer videoing a garage book haul. I took a block of ten books off my shelf unit in my garage and recorded myself going through them and talking about them and what I found interesting. I was hoping that by doing this I would at least find something that I no longer wanted. I was wrong … it just reinforced my choice to keep them. And the potential youtube video? It was a learning experience – for a start it was too slow, I was swinging to and fro on my chair – very distracting – and it seemed so false! There’s certainly work to be done if I want to join my daughter in becoming a youtuber (something she wants to do but not yet and would be great if we could both get involved).
By the way, for those that have read my post on Clutter-busting, as part of my garage plan I was researching the cost of skips at the week-end only to find that local skip hire companies are exceptionally secretive about their fees meaning that a few phone calls were needed. Well today I contacted some and was slightly horrified at the cost. Then I looked at the van hire and somehow the skip seemed more appealing. However, even just working out that plan got me motivated to make a start on sorting the garage out, even if it wasn’t according to the plan I devised. I’ve made a start on working through it.
As a last thought, I think being part of this blogging community is really helping to motivate and inspire me. When it comes to the home, I particularly like Le Zoe Musings which has such beautiful photos which include a selection of closet solutions. Blogging has opened up a whole new world to me at a time when the world might otherwise have seemed to be getting smaller.
I have come across the start of some draft writing I did a few years back on self-development and life coaching. The following is an extract.
‘Guiltless <—> Selfness
Do you want to make a difference to YOUR life? Do you want to think about yourself and your needs? If you find this difficult, are you always putting the needs of other people before you? There is no need to feel guilty. This is not being selfish. Empower yourself to improve your own life by realising that your needs and wants are important. If you have family or are caring for someone else, they may rely on you. For you to give of your best, you need to be in the best place to do this. Not only does this make you a better person, it makes life worth living for YOU and everyone you care for or have a relationship with benefits too. Your relationships with other people will improve, you will feel calm, relaxed, having an increased sense of well-being.’
At the time, I thought I had made up the words Guiltless and Selfness. I have since discovered that they are in fact words and oxforddictionaries.com sums up the meanings.
Selfness
A person’s essential individuality (archaic) Selfishness; self-regard
Guiltless
Having no guilt; innocent
The meaning of guiltless is pretty obvious. When related to the idea of selfness, it is about not feeling guilty when thinking about yourself and your needs when you think other’s needs are more important. As can be seen from the definitions, the meaning of selfness has changed over time. It did mean that someone was being selfish. When I read what it means now – a person’s essential individuality – it fits well with what I have written. Authenticity is a word that comes to mind and being true to oneself. Knowing what you value in life and observing them when making life choices. It is not just what your values are but the way in which you prioritise them – this can be the subject of a future post.
What is important is that if you are true to yourself and your needs, then you will be a happier person better placed to have successful relationships and able to care for others. So think about your selfness – and what you need to do for YOU to improve your own well-being and happiness.
In writing this post I have opened up a whole new world of what Selfness is by having a quick Google. I think I need hours, days or more to give it justice but you may like to have a look yourself if you are interested in the concept.
Copyright 2008, Shane Gorski, Flickr, CC-BY-ND, via Wylio
Suddenly I was awake and felt startled. I had been dreaming – I can’t recall what about now but it felt very real. Now it was light and I thought I had overslept. We would be late for school. I jumped up and looked outside. No activity. Gradually it dawned on me that it was Saturday. Relief swept over me and I relaxed.
Isn’t it strange how, when you get up first thing in the morning, suddenly a problem that’s been hanging over you just suddenly pops into your mind and a potential solution materialises in your thoughts that had never occurred to you before? This was what happened to me this morning so I quickly penned a bullet point plan in case it flew away as quickly as it had landed.
I have a garage-full of ‘stuff’ that needs to be sorted and have either not had the motivation, space, resources or energy to deal with it. It has been there in the background on a ‘to do’ list. Vague discussions with family about taking action one week-end and clearing it, and one attempt about two years ago when we were not quite ready to dispose of the jumbled child equipment and activities, has meant that it still looms behind the doorway.
It is a block to sorting out my life. The remnants of the past. Reminders of good times. At the moment I am on a role. Despite my inability to go very far, being at home has meant that things are gradually happening, I have had the time to focus, make those calls, and get things done.
My eyes have become clearer since being on the verge of becoming a compulsive hoarder a few years ago while suffering from depression. I think I stopped in time. I took stock of the pile of old books that was building before me from addictive visits to charity shops, second hand bookshops and boot fairs. I became fired up to take them to a charity shop that supported a local church where there are memories of my mother. I filled bag after bag and there was a feeling of satisfaction when I delivered them in bulk to the charity shop, knowing that they were going to a good cause that in addition had a link with my mum.
One of the problems is I don’t just want to chuck things away that someone else would benefit from but there is so much (though of no particular value now). We did spend time a couple of years back re-organising the garage. We got rid of the most useless and discovered the odd hidden treasure. Nowadays I sort things into rubbish and charity piles and it goes nowhere near the garage (well, to be honest it’s piled too high now) but the boot of my car is full of items ready to go to charity or recycling that has still not got there.
So … the plan that popped into my head, which may seem very obvious but has never occurred to me before, is to hire a large van big enough to take everything and be able to sort it out inside. We could then take it to a boot fair so that if it could be of use to anyone, then that is an opportunity. Whatever is left can then either go to charity or be disposed of as recycling or rubbish. I have tried selling a few bits online but for me it is a long process, with little reward, and not one that I particularly enjoy after the first feeling of novelty.
So, the plan to clear a garage full of stuff is:
1. Hire a large van for the week-end.
2. Transfer the stuff from the garage to the van, filtering out the obvious rubbish.
3. Go to a boot fair.
4. Remainder goes to (a) charity (b) recycling (c) rubbish
I had thought of a having a skip, but I couldn’t deal with creating a heap of rubbish from many past gifts and memories in such a way. I have seen the delight at a boot fair when a child excitedly finds something that they really want at that moment and my plan encompasses this. However, I will check out the cost of a skip compared with my plan above and make a decision.
So when my garage is empty? Well there are some things in the spare bedroom that we want to keep … and underneath the stairs … on top of my wardrobe … under the bed … in the garden … NO!!!! it’s not going to happen. The garage started off as a place to create, floored and walled, with table and chairs. We even decorated it out and had Christmas Dinner in it one year. Maybe a new use will pop into my head that will inspire me. Anything is possible if you focus and believe it can be done.
Yesterday I posted about my visit to London which included my discovery of Ruskin Park. This painted picnic bench was an unexpected find. I wanted to find out more about it before posting these photos.
This art picnic bench was created as part of the Camberwell Arts Festival, the longest running visual arts festival in the UK at 21 years. 10 artists were commissioned to decorate picnic benches which would be used during the festival and then be placed within local parks. The bench located in Ruskin Park is an African design created by Nkiruka, a creative fashion, arts, crafts and textiles design partnership and is called The New Yam Table.
(If you believe the information I have provided is incorrect, please let me know. Information on the bench was limited and I could find no images online.)
Yesterday morning I wrote two lines on a fresh page in a notebook:
‘Unknown Delight
What awaits the day ahead’
Copyright 2015 Kay/wavesandpebbles
I was perhaps hoping that a poem would follow. Instead, I was distracted by the beautiful sky view from my bedroom window. It was 5.30 am. I had to get up early to catch a train to London to see a specialist consultant. I was so worried about oversleeping that I set numerous alarms and then woke up before them all. I reflected on the day ahead – what would I be told? What effect would it have on me? I had tried not to think too hard about it. So instead I was energised by the early morning sun, looking forward to my outing.
When I arrived at the station it was 7.00 am, the unusually deep heat of the sun was beating down on me. Apparently today was the hottest day for 9 years according to my daughter. The station was peaceful as the silent commuters marched to their favoured positions, aligning themselves with the anticipated spot where the train doors would be. I wondered if I would get a seat but there were plenty.
After one change of train, I arrived at my destination. On the way to the hospital I discovered a park which I decided to explore later. I found the staff and visitors restaurant and had a quick breakfast. It was not a place I wished to linger. It was hot, stuffy and surprisingly small for the size of hospital. My local hospital has a pleasant cafe with an outdoor terrace where I can enjoy reading a book with a milky foam-topped glass of hot chocolate.
Copyright 2015 Kay/wavesandpebbles
I had time to return to the park before my appointment. The grass was dappled with light and shade and I was surrounded by the most beautiful large trees. It was an oasis in the midst of the city, with the traffic steaming past. I wandered awhile and came across some squirrels darting through the branches and scooting down the trunks and across the leafy emerald grass. I took a few photos before making my way back through the park. I discovered a charity there that encourages trees in the city. There was a gigantic weeping willow tree dominating an area designated for growing new trees, and next to that there was a community vegetable garden that anyone could get involved in. I knew nothing of region, on the outskirts of London, and It felt that I had just discovered an area where community development was embedded in the environment.
Copyright 2015 Kay/wavesandpebbles
Somewhat reluctantly I left the park and attended my appointment. With relief, I came away feeling positive and, whilst there is still some way to go, I now had something of a plan and an end in sight towards normality.
With the intensity of heat, I decided to catch the train towards home straightaway and stop-off at a favourite shopping centre rather than head towards the centre of London to explore the sights. I ventured into the divine up-market chocolate shop and savoured a free meltingly delicious concoction that purported to be a cocktail. Hints of lime, mint and a kick of alcohol lingered on my tongue. I wanted to return for another but guilt moved me on.
After a while ambling around the cool indoor shopping precinct, I was hit by a wall of hot air as I entered the High Street and haphazardly made my way back to the station, buying a pale pink straw hat that provided my head with yet another different look and checking out furniture and wallpaper as I’m trying to give my home a bit of a makeover.
Back on the train, I pulled out my book and tried to get into the new story I am reading. It was just not happening. It is one of the early books of a popular author that I have enjoyed so am hoping I will soon be engrossed. I felt relaxed and calm, enjoying life day by day. That’s how I see it, a day at a time, and it makes life so fulfilling. Each day is different and so much happens.
I ended the day sitting out in the garden till late, feeling refreshed by the softness of the warm night breeze and watching the moon and the stars above. Always such a magical moment.
waves and pebbles 