Earlier this week the thought came to me that I have been living my life differently for nearly three years. This is not a post about the pandemic but it has come from realising that nearly three years have passed. In some ways it feels that it is time lost, yet when I stop to think, there have been so many moments that have enriched my life.
I have come up with a name for a new book, as I often do. Some exist for fleeting moments, others get as far as being created as a project on Dabble, and then there are those that eventually go the full way. It’s a whole spectrum of book inspiration and development.
A friend asked me today if I was still interested in wood. Wood is something I became intrigued by after I graduated a few years back with an interest in sense of belonging and the sociology of everyday life. I kept coming across people for whom wood was important in their lives, working with it in their gardens, as an artist, as an eco friendly entrepreneur with indoor plants, skilled craftsmen making bespoke musical instruments and unique chain-saw carved garden ornaments, biophillic design in architecture (bringing nature indoors), the list went on and I gained a new collection of books.
I am reminded of a wonderful mystery tour through the Kent countryside with my friend when we came across an amazing wood carver in the middle of the Garden of England countryside because we had got a bit lost and needed to ask the way. Sadly I don’t have any photos, hoping to have returned one day if I could ever have found it again. Now I tend to take regular photos as a record so I know where I have travelled.
Back to my book-to-be. The title – Three Years. It will capture my perspective on my own life over the past three years and also as I look forward towards a new decade-dawning age. There is no doubt that the next three years will be very different to the past ones and I am excited to see what develops. This morning I came across a short handwritten note about an artist, Louis Parsons, and what he calls Soulscaping. (His website is an interesting place to visit.)
In my note, I had written down the question “What is my aliveness” and the answers I had listed were dancing, nature and the sea (walking) and bringing people together for my workshops. These remain a good starting point for my focus going forward. Music is always there in the background since a very young age yet I have let it slip, not given the time to it or made an effort to follow it, whether that be listening to music, playing it or dancing, or going to live music events.
I no longer live by the sea but I live by some of the most beautiful wild countryside and I know there are ways that I can remain connected to the sea, through photos, memories, family and friends, and a long-awaited seaside holiday is calling. I had a dream to travel around the coast of the UK … that still remains yet in chunks and my latest thoughts are to travel to Berwick-upon-Tweed in the North East of England and meander down the Northumbrian and Yorkshire coast.
I am in the middle of reading Raynor Winn’s Landlines (I previously read The Salt Path) and I am in awe of Raynor and her husband’s courageous achievements. Both books are such an inspiring read about their long-distance walking and how it has helped with husband Moth’s serious illness. I’ve just looked online for any latest information and Raynor is giving a talk at the Tring Book Festival which has virtual online tickets for the event on Saturday, 28 January 2023.
Perhaps I should finish where this all started with the title of this blog post, Magic happens when … I came across some writing that I did back in 2020 in response to a question about when I had taken action in uncertainty and what I had learnt from it, which I share with you now.
“Magic happens when you step outside the world you know to venture into the many worlds of opportunity and delight that await.”
That’s my focus for the next three years, which will also be when my book-to-be will be finished!
What plans do you have for the next three years?
What do you really want to experience, be, do or achieve?
I have another book title and prompt for more writing in the future … “Nothing” … a simple word that can mean so much and is in waiting for another blog post.
A very special collaboration with four lovely ladies on the Isle of Thanet by the beautiful Kent coast in England
It means so much to me to be able to share this picture of my long-awaited book, a collaboration with four wonderful ladies in my writing group on the Isle of Thanet in Kent, England. It was due to be completed in 2020 but it just wasn’t happening. I do believe that the right time comes and by waiting it has become even more than I hoped it would be and with the cover designed by my eldest daughter Jessica.
This little book represents what I am about, inspiring people to write and share the little stories in life with the benefits to wellbeing this can bring. Included is a selection of life coaching exercises for self-coaching appearing throughout the book. It’s one to dip into with a notebook and pen to hand to capture what thoughts come to mind.
I’ve self-published the book using my own Waves and Pebbles Publishing imprint and at the moment copies will be available directly through me. It is a little book but one that I hope will make a big difference, resulting in many special memories being captured and shared.
There are many writing prompts that you can take wherever you wish, don’t try and stick to the original prompt, let your mind wander. You don’t even need to be a writer to use this book, if you like you can draw instead (though I haven’t covered drawing in the book). It’s surprising what appears on the page in just five minutes if you allow the pen to just move across the paper without self-judgement.
I’ve just created a new page on Facebook – Writing Back to Happiness – which I hope will be available online later today. Please do follow my page. I intend to do some Facebook lives based on the book which will be starting soon and I will come back here to talk more about what is happening.
In 2015 I started this blog when I was dealing with treatment for a life threatening form of leukaemia. I kept the blog up for some while – it helped provide me with a focus – and when I was able to go out, I enjoyed taking photos and sharing them.
As life returned to some form of normality – I had survived! (needing checks every six months) – my blog writing slipped. I had a couple of attempts to rekindle it but somehow life got in the way. Yet when I wrote my first book “Life Happens, Live Happy” (available on Amazon – author Kay Underdown), I fully realised how both writing and blogging had helped me through some very challenging times.
When I eventually graduated from University in 2017 with my degree in Social Sciences, having had a whole year out due to my illness, the idea for Life Story Writing was born. Workshops and courses using my own unique approach combining coaching, creativity and sense of belonging.
Following graduation I had to negotiate some difficult, and unexpected, life paths. the outcome is living in the most wonderful area by the sea, one of my dreams that I had long wanted to achieve but never before had the guts to see it through.
There followed a period when I half-heartedly worked towards working for myself as a coach and running workshops but somehow the time wasn’t right. Life was good. I still felt as if I was on holiday whenever I had the time to wander but I lacked something and I just didn’t know what that something was. So I returned to University to start a Masters degree in Methods of Social Research and during this time I had a period of exploration and fine-tuned my direction. It was the Life Story Writing workshops I wanted to focus on. I had an inner conviction that they could really make a difference to people’s wellbeing, and could help increase happiness and sense of belonging.
After a few initial workshops on happiness and empowerment and life story writing, I started running a longer course for a local charity aimed at people aged 50+. That course has led to something very special to me – a small life story writing group. One of the outcomes from this will be my next book – “Writing back to Happiness” Life Story Writing the Waves and Pebbles Way. I started handwriting this book just after Christmas with a lovely new fountain pen, part of a set gifted to me by my group.
It is during these meetings that I have realised how much I really enjoyed blogging, and not really understood why I stopped doing something I loved so much. Anyway, here I am, back again!
I am excited for 2020. It somehow feels that it is a year of the unexpected but that it will be good, providing new adventures with opportunities to explore all that life has to offer and doing it in my own way.
I truly wish anyone reading this the very best for 2020 and the coming new decade. May you give yourself the gift of time to explore what it is you really want to do with your life – whether that’s carrying on doing the things that you love or allowing yourself to explore new avenues based on your own life values and future dreams.
Watch this space as I continue “Writing back to Happiness”. My focus for my Waves and Pebbles blog continues to be random stories about life, creativity and memories – with the addition of nature – which are all reflected in my Life Story Writing workshops and groups.
I live in Broadstairs, on the Isle of Thanet in Kent, England. We are blessed with beautiful bays, sandy beaches and amazing skies. In 2020 I will be running short courses at various venues, usually hotels and cafes where you can relax and enjoy a social occasion and do some life story writing back to happiness along the way. I am also exploring the possibility of offering online groups so if you might be interested in this, please let me know.
I hope you have all enjoyed the festive season and are looking forward to what the New Year 2020 and the next decade will bring. I’d love to hear your life stories and what your hopes and dreams are for the future.
Kay xx
Please feel free to comment here or visit my website http://www.kayunderdown.com. You will also find my page on Facebook @empoweringyoubeyondyourdreams (Kay Underdown, Happiness & Empowerment Coach). Like my blog, this has not been kept up to date and I am looking at developing my social media presence specifically aimed at Life Story Writing. I’d love to hear your own experiences of writing … or perhaps the reasons why you don’t write … I also encourage people to draw their stories if they don’t want to write or to do storyboards, a bit of both!
Here is the last section of my draft writing that I came across recently on self-development and life coaching. For the remainder of sections, I have headings only so maybe I will do some more work on it.
Stressless < — > Calmness
I have had times in my life when I have suffered from stress, even having to take time off work. Those times were when there were numerous things going on in my life which added together resulted in my not being able to cope. I have since learnt to recognise my own signs for when I am getting stressed and take action to deal with this before it is too late. Too much stress can lead to anxiety and depression. By recognising the signs and taking action, a calmer and happier life can be yours.
Life coaching and increased self-awareness through reading self-development books has helped me deal with stress, anxiety and depression. The key to this is one word – CONTROL. Being in control or feeling in control. Once you feel out of control of situations, that is the danger zone. Another word that is important here is CHOICE. We all have choices, even if we don’t think we have. We can choose to do things differently any second, any minute, any hour of the day. We can choose to make small, almost insignificant, changes at any time.
We can choose to make life-changing decisions now, next week, next month or next year. It is our choice. Of course there are repercussions, so you have to weigh up whether you actually want to make that decision. But by taking control of situations, and making choices, you retain control and are able to feel calmer and less stressed, knowing that you have made a decision and that you are in control of your own life. Once you allow others or situations to take control, you can feel out of control and overwhelmed.
A valuable tool that I have gained through my life coach training is the Life Wheel, which can be adapted to use in any situation, and is a paper exercise that you can do for yourself taking in the whole picture of what is important or impacts on you and your life, then creates focus, exploration and action through small, achievable goals that are within your own gift of achieving – leading to a sense of regaining control over your life and the particular aspect you are focussing on. (if you are interested in this, a future post can address how to do the Life Wheel exercise and the different ways in which it can be applied)
Another BIG word that impacts immensely on stress – in competition with control, and perhaps in many cases, overtakes it – is TIME. ‘I don’t have enough time …’ ‘I am running out of time …’ ‘I have to get this done by …’ ‘Look at the time …’ ‘There is never enough time in the day …’ ‘I am always under pressure …’ ‘I never have time to relax and enjoy myself.’ ‘I never have enough time to do what I need to do.’
The first thing I did a long long time ago, that changed my relationship with time, was to stop wearing a watch. I noticed that one of my colleagues who was more laid back about things didn’t wear one and wondered how she managed. I decided to try for myself and have never looked back. … time is still there – not forgotten – but not drawing my attention every minute of every day.
How else did I change my relationship with time? By taking a more relaxed approach to my working day. I start at varying times. Sometimes early, sometimes late. I appreciate that not everyone can do this, but many employers have become a lot more flexible, particularly with a need to cater for those with family commitments, and flexibility helps take the pressure off.
If time is really a big issue for you, and you never have enough time to do what you want, then maybe it would help to do a time analysis over a period of a week. Nothing too complicated, but something that would get you thinking about how you really spend your time. Take a few moments to write down what you spend your time on, both at home and at work. Is everything you do necessary? Do you do things because you want to do them, need to do them or feel you should do them? If the latter, what would happen if you didn’t do it? Would you feel guilty? Is it your responsibility? Does it really have to be done?
Remember it’s your life and you have choices over what you spend your lifetime doing. Think about it. Is there anything that you could either stop doing completely, spend less time on or get someone to help you with so that you could achieve it quicker, or even get someone to take over the job? When I was struggling working mum with a young child, we had a cleaner. Just 3 hours a week made so much difference. Having to downsize meant that I lost this wonderful luxury but if you can afford such help I thoroughly recommend it. (for some reason whilst typing this it has reminded me of a poem by Mary Oliver which I am now going to look up)
Gettting back to time, often I used to put pressure on myself for no reason. I was especially guilty in thinking I had to make the most of every waking moment, and that to stay in bed too long or sit around doing nothing was a waste of time. I can still sometimes go that way, but because I am aware of this, I remind myself and allow myself to enjoy having time just to chill out and relax, potter around and moodle. I thought this was a wonderful word when I came across it – moodling. Just doing things slowly, enjoying the process, thinking about anything but in a relaxed way. The practice of mindfulness (to be covered in a future post) is very beneficial if you are under pressure and find it difficult to switch off and do nothing. In my opinion, mindfulness is a form of meditation, as is going for a long walk on my own with no aim in mind and no distractions and letting thoughts drift in and out of my mind.
My relationship with time is so different now. In the initial stages of becoming more relaxed about time, even my choice of diary made a difference. If I could see the whole week at a glance, which I do find useful, I also used to see that there was not much time left before the week had even begun as there seemed to be so much already organised. I changed to one page a day, and time seemed immediately to extend itself. Now I am back to a week at a glance as I am able to be more relaxed and my diary no longer panics me.
There are a range of time management books out there but I think that the key to dealing with time issues is not how to manage time but how to change your relationship with time. It is the rest of life and creating balance that is the issue, not the amount of time itself. It is how you feel about time, as opposed to what it actually is. You can have the same amount of time to do the same thing, but one day you might feel that you don’t have enough time, you may feel rushed, stressed, tired. Another day you may feel relaxed and confident with no issues about getting the task completed in the time available. It is very much more about your perception of time than the amount of time actually available.
Sometimes I lump an amount of time all together, and become fearful when getting near the end of it. For example, over the weekend I think of it as a whole, and when it gets to Sunday late afternoon/early evening that that is the end of it. Yet in the week when returning home from work at teatime/early evening, I still think I have a whole evening ahead of me. Why cannot I think the same of Sunday evenings? I seem to have so much on my mind about the next day that it leads to time being wiped away.
Sometimes I stop and think. We are all living our own separate lives. We all start and end at different points. Yet we treat time as if we are all experiencing the same amount of time with the use of the 24 hour clock, 7-day week and 12 months in a year. We are all experiencing different moments of time in each of our individual lives. Why should we allow ourselves to be taken over by a universal approach to time? If we listen to the radio, we can’t get away from the fact that every hour we know when it is up when the news/weather/traffic info comes on. We get reminded to the minute of the exact time.’
Doing away with a universal approach would undoubtedly lead to chaos in the extreme but there needs to be a balance between living our own (time-limited) lives in the best way possible and fitting in with the demands cast upon us by a world dominated by time.
Note
I have checked out the poem by American poet Mary Oliver. It is ‘The Summer Day’ also referred to as ‘The Grasshopper’. The last lines are:
‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’
You might like to listen to Mary Oliver reading it.
Copyright 2015, Cajsa Lilliehook, Flickr, CC-BY-SA, via Wylio
Following on from my last post on Selfness, here is another piece of draft writing from the same book (self-development/coaching).
‘Clutterless < — > Tidyness
I have had a long struggle with ‘clutter’ – I hold on to things for too long that I may never need. I now recognise that there is little value in this, apart from saving a few pennies or pounds in the distant future at the expense of living a cluttered existence. If there is too much clutter, housework takes too long and becomes an unwelcome chore.
There has been much written on being clutterfree but some of this can be over-the-top, and lead to having a de-personalised space which is great for a showhouse but is it really a home?
At one time, I felt rebellious about clutterbusting. Having had to downsize, I had no option than to sell or dispose of many items, some of which I still have regrets about. Thankfully I did not rid myself completely of some of the smaller boxes containing various bits and pieces. I later went through these and as I picked up a piece, I would recall a special person or time in my life. Having a poor memory for some things, these triggers are invaluable and I am so thankful that I still have them in my life.
The key is to achieve a balance between possessions and space, with each possession having a place. This leads to being clutterless (as opposed to clutterfree), keeps the space tidy and results in a personalised environment that is special to you.
Periodically I enjoy spending time sifting through a selection of my possessions to check that I still want to keep them, or to organise them in a better way. This works for me. I have found that by decorating a room in a way that brings me pleasure, then choosing storage solutions that complement that environment, I am able to keep the things that I love in a way that adds to my contentment in my home.
My problem is that I still buy things and bring them into the home. I get pleasure from browsing in charity shops and strolling round boot fairs, disastrous for adding to clutter! But I enjoy it, and therefore my sifting has become a regular occurrence to keep balance within the home. The benefits are that this process can be done mindfully. (A topic for another post.)
Here are a few tips for becoming clutterless:
Spend random times – perhaps in the evenings or at week-ends – going through a shelf, drawer or cupboard. What works for me, if I am not motivated but want to sort something out, is to set a timer for 20 minutes and make an agreement with myself that after 20 minutes I can be done. Oftentimes I am by then enjoying myself and get lost in the task, carrying on longer and achieving more, with a sense of satisfaction from the end result.
Draw up your own criteria for keeping things. My own is that an item either gives pleasure, is useful now or within the next year, has memories or some other reason that I can justify to myself for keeping it. Books are my downfall – yet they are such treasures. Also clothes. I do hold on to a lot of clothes, even though I apply the sifting process, but if they are well-organised then I don’t see it as a problem.
Decide what storage you want and get it. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. There are lots of cheap shelving options out there, or colourful boxes and filing systems. The choice is yours. I have a bed with wonderful drawers which take a surprising amount.
Question what you are keeping ‘because it may be of use some day’. My experience is that it is the things with memories, special things that people have given me, that I have missed. Those without memories are soon forgotten, and if you don’t need them then the likelihood is that you will not miss them. Amongst my regrets are my food mixer and food processor that I had for many years. I was in for a shock when I saw the replacement cost. So, think twice before sifting too far!
Think about what you really enjoy in your life. Consider your values and keep the things that enhance your life. Let go of those you will never use and just leave you with feelings of guilt that you should have done something with them.
Accept your level of clutterlessness and enjoy.’
This piece was written a few years back. If you have read my recent post on Clutter-busting, it will be clear that I have not completely solved the clutter problem. It remains something which varies according to my health, energy and motivation.
At the risk of sounding a bit weird, a conversation and youtube watching session with my daughter on shopping hauls gave me the idea of playing around with my new computer videoing a garage book haul. I took a block of ten books off my shelf unit in my garage and recorded myself going through them and talking about them and what I found interesting. I was hoping that by doing this I would at least find something that I no longer wanted. I was wrong … it just reinforced my choice to keep them. And the potential youtube video? It was a learning experience – for a start it was too slow, I was swinging to and fro on my chair – very distracting – and it seemed so false! There’s certainly work to be done if I want to join my daughter in becoming a youtuber (something she wants to do but not yet and would be great if we could both get involved).
By the way, for those that have read my post on Clutter-busting, as part of my garage plan I was researching the cost of skips at the week-end only to find that local skip hire companies are exceptionally secretive about their fees meaning that a few phone calls were needed. Well today I contacted some and was slightly horrified at the cost. Then I looked at the van hire and somehow the skip seemed more appealing. However, even just working out that plan got me motivated to make a start on sorting the garage out, even if it wasn’t according to the plan I devised. I’ve made a start on working through it.
As a last thought, I think being part of this blogging community is really helping to motivate and inspire me. When it comes to the home, I particularly like Le Zoe Musings which has such beautiful photos which include a selection of closet solutions. Blogging has opened up a whole new world to me at a time when the world might otherwise have seemed to be getting smaller.
I have come across the start of some draft writing I did a few years back on self-development and life coaching. The following is an extract.
‘Guiltless <—> Selfness
Do you want to make a difference to YOUR life? Do you want to think about yourself and your needs? If you find this difficult, are you always putting the needs of other people before you? There is no need to feel guilty. This is not being selfish. Empower yourself to improve your own life by realising that your needs and wants are important. If you have family or are caring for someone else, they may rely on you. For you to give of your best, you need to be in the best place to do this. Not only does this make you a better person, it makes life worth living for YOU and everyone you care for or have a relationship with benefits too. Your relationships with other people will improve, you will feel calm, relaxed, having an increased sense of well-being.’
At the time, I thought I had made up the words Guiltless and Selfness. I have since discovered that they are in fact words and oxforddictionaries.com sums up the meanings.
Selfness
A person’s essential individuality (archaic) Selfishness; self-regard
Guiltless
Having no guilt; innocent
The meaning of guiltless is pretty obvious. When related to the idea of selfness, it is about not feeling guilty when thinking about yourself and your needs when you think other’s needs are more important. As can be seen from the definitions, the meaning of selfness has changed over time. It did mean that someone was being selfish. When I read what it means now – a person’s essential individuality – it fits well with what I have written. Authenticity is a word that comes to mind and being true to oneself. Knowing what you value in life and observing them when making life choices. It is not just what your values are but the way in which you prioritise them – this can be the subject of a future post.
What is important is that if you are true to yourself and your needs, then you will be a happier person better placed to have successful relationships and able to care for others. So think about your selfness – and what you need to do for YOU to improve your own well-being and happiness.
In writing this post I have opened up a whole new world of what Selfness is by having a quick Google. I think I need hours, days or more to give it justice but you may like to have a look yourself if you are interested in the concept.
On the day of my first post in March 2015 what a lovely surprise to receive a beautiful bouquet of such vibrant colours. One week after returning home after a long stay in hospital, they were a heartfelt reminder of the kind thoughts of others and how precious they are. Going through a very unexpected and difficult time, it was the amazing love and support of family and friends that made such a difference to me.
I have a long journey ahead to fight my illness but I am not intending this blog to focus on my diagnosis and treatment. Instead it is about doing something that helps me achieve some of my goals at a time when I am very restricted as to what I am able to do. It is about making the most of life, often by enjoying some of the simplest things.
I believe in the value of memories and creativity. For me, journalling opened up the world of creative writing and poetry. I have long had an interest in photography and have discovered the therapeutic benefits of painting and colouring purely for fun. A life-long learner, I have had many interests. My bookshelves are filled with self-development and life coaching books, alongside many years of cookery books which include a precious Cordon Bleu cookery course set. More recently, it is the Social Sciences that have opened up a new world.
I am not sure where this blog will lead but I hope you may wish to join me on my journey and make some new discoveries that will inspire you and enhance the quality of your life.
waves and pebbles 